Love
Updated November 28, 2021
When you started seeing each other, it was pure magic. It was everything you imagined for yourself, and you married the partner of your dreams. No one plans to marry someone with a narcissistic personality. But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen – quite the opposite, as most people with narcissistic personalities are master manipulators. Over time, the signs of narcissism can become more apparent, especially as the rose-colored glasses begin to fade.
Every time you get married, you begin another chapter of your life with your partner. Even if you've lived together, start learning new things about them, their habits, and so forth. However, if your partner has signs of a narcissistic personality, it could mean waking up with a completely different person than you thought they were. Adjusting to married life is already difficult. Add narcissism to the mix, and it's bound to be even more complicated, as narcissism is linked to several behaviors that interfere in romantic relationships. Being in a relationship with a person with a narcissistic personality can be emotionally draining and negatively affect your mental health. But it's more common than you might think. If you suspect that your partner may have a narcissistic personality, it's important to be aware of these four common narcissistic marriage problems.
Narcissistic personality disorder
The term narcissism is commonly used to describe someone who is vain and selfish, but the clinical definition is more complex. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a type of personality disorder that can cause many problems in the lives and mental health of those who have the disorder. The main characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder are an inflated sense of conceit, lack of empathy for others, and an excessive need for attention and admiration.
Most people who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder share several personality traits. Such traits include an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a sense of entitlement, and a need for excessive admiration. In addition, most people with NPD also exaggerate their talents and accomplishments. They tend to have complex fantasies of success, power, and brilliance. Most believe they are above others and associate only with those they deem worthy of their presence. They tend to take advantage of others to get what they want, and expect unconditional conformity to their expectations. The lack of empathy often seen with NPD means they are unable or unwilling to acknowledge the needs or feelings of others.
Other personality traits that are common in narcissistic personality disorder include becoming angry or impatient when they are not given the treatment or concessions they feel they deserve. It is common for them to react with anger or belittle others in an attempt to appear superior.
Narcissistic Marriage Problems
The personality traits that accompany narcissistic personality disorder make interpersonal relationships difficult. While no one voluntarily seeks a relationship with a narcissistic person, it is easy to find yourself in one. In fact, people with narcissistic personalities are often adept at gaining the trust of others through various manipulation tactics. Because of this, many people find themselves married to a narcissistic person. If you think your spouse may have narcissistic personality disorder and your relationship is difficult to manage, it could be the result of several narcissistic marital problems. Here are some common narcissistic marital problems that may be contributing to difficulties in your marriage.
1. Complete control
Many people with narcissistic personalities thrive on the power that comes from feeling in complete control. This can lead to your spouse trying to manipulate your life. They may try to gain control over you in obvious ways, but will often use subtle manipulative behaviors, including gaslighting. This can include arguing, placing blame, using sweet gestures or words, etc. If this doesn't work, then they will often try to control you using guilt. Being in a controlling relationship can be toxic to you and harmful to your mental health, but it appeals to a person with NPD's desire for power and superiority.
2. Competition with children
Normally, once children enter the picture, both parents put their children first. However, many people who have narcissistic personality disorder do not follow this normal pattern. Instead, they often see their children as someone they have to compete with to be the center of attention. They actively look for ways to keep the attention on themselves rather than on the children. They may be actively trying to control their children, or trying to get them to think like a narcissistic person. Eventually, you will begin to be drained by their incessant need to be the center of attention and endless competition with children.
3. Unilateral Credit
One-sided credit is often the most common problem in the narcissistic marriage. No matter the effort you make, or what you get, your narcissistic spouse will find a way to take credit for it. No one else is allowed to take credit, even if it is you or your children who have done something. If their credit for something is questioned, you will often be met with aggression, harsh words, a debate or even a heated argument, as they will likely feel like you are trying to be better than them.
4. Extreme jealousy
Extreme jealousy is another common problem in narcissistic marriage. Again, this goes back to the need to be the center of attention that is characteristic of most narcissistic people. It's common for those with narcissistic personality disorder to have secret feelings of insecurity. If they feel that someone else is getting your love and attention, this can trigger intense feelings of jealousy. This is also true if they feel that someone is better or smarter than they are. The problem with this jealousy is that it often leads to intense arguments. If they feel jealous that someone else is getting your love or attention, they may blame you for flirting or being unfaithful, even if it's not true. In addition, they may go to great lengths to get rid of the competition.
Dealing with narcissistic abuse
In addition to these narcissistic marriage issues, it is common for those who find themselves married to a narcissist to be victims of narcissistic abuse. The most common form of narcissistic abuse is verbal abuse. Most narcissists use verbal abuse to control and intimidate their spouse or partner. Many things fall under the umbrella of verbal abuse, including belittling and bullying you in front of others, accusing you of doing things for no reason and blaming you for things that are out of your control. It is common for a narcissist to continue to show the world their charming self while becoming a completely different person to you behind closed doors. This can lead others to think you are simply too sensitive.
People with narcissistic personalities may also try to keep you from having money, food or even the love of your children if you don't conform to everything they want you to do. This is essentially emotional blackmail, another form of narcissistic abuse that aims for control, and is commonly seen in marriages with individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. Unfortunately, narcissistic abuse can include physical abuse as well. This could include throwing things, destroying property, and even hitting or kicking you
How to move on
Many times, psychotherapy is the best form of treatment to address issues of narcissistic marriage and narcissistic abuse. While couples psychotherapy can be beneficial, it can be difficult to convince your narcissistic spouse. This is because they often feel that there is nothing wrong with them. They may even become angry at the suggestion that you think something is wrong. Even if you cannot convince your spouse to accept couples psychotherapy, you may seek psychotherapy yourself to deal with the impact of being married to a narcissistic person.
Today, there are many different ways to obtain psychotherapy. While you may go to a traditional therapist's office, you may also choose to forgo the traditional route and opt for online psychotherapy instead.
There is hope through Serenis
Research points to online therapy platforms as effective vehicles for helping those dealing with mental health issues related to a relationship with a narcissistic person. For example, one study found that internet-based therapy significantly decreased symptoms of depression and anxiety in participants. The study looked specifically at cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which has been shown to be helpful in helping people deal with the complicated emotions associated with relationships. Online therapy is widely considered a more accessible way to receive treatment than many traditional methods, allowing for more flexibility in scheduling and communication.
As mentioned above, online therapy platforms provide access to tools that can help address issues in a marriage with a narcissistic person. Online psychotherapy through Serenis provides you with all the anonymity you want. No one will see you enter a therapist's office, and you can communicate with your therapist at your convenience. Serenis therapists have helped thousands of people solve their relationship problems.
Conclusion
Being married to a narcissist can be challenging and put stress on your mental health. You may feel alienated from family and friends, making it more difficult to deal with the problems of a narcissistic marriage. Talking to a licensed therapist can help you work through how you're feeling, give you the tools you need to strengthen your mental health, and help you set the necessary boundaries in your relationships. Take the first step today.