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Love can be complicated. This is something that many of us long for, but have great difficulty defining. If we say we love someone, we often describe feelings and emotions without pinning much on them. Because we all love differently, the list of "symptoms" can be confused with other feelings, such as lust or obsession. Especially when we're young, knowing what love is can be a game of trial and error.
Start with the facts
How long have you known them
Love takes time to grow. When we meet someone and immediately feel a connection, this is not love, but rather lust, or, put less harshly, a crush. Lust is part of love, but love can't be part of lust. When we desire a person, we don't know them well but have a strong physical and/or emotional desire for them. This intense relationship floods our system with a variety of different chemicals, much like addiction, and turns on similar areas in the brain. If you haven't known that person for a long time, then you are more likely to be in lust than in love.
One of the reasons you might wonder if you are in love is if the relationship has been going on for a long time. Time, while a strong indicator of love, may not indicate love if the feelings are not "safe". Most people realize they're in love all of a sudden, it just "happens" one moment. If you need to discuss whether or not you are in love, then there is a good chance that you are not, but you might be on the right track.
How you feel around them
Being in love is like being with your best friend. It feels natural and normal; there is no pressure and no need to "perform" or act a certain way. You can simply be yourself, and feel comfortable and whole in doing so. When you love someone, you feel the same way whether they are in sweats on the couch or dressed for a night out. Love isn't about impressing someone or being someone you're not; it's about sharing space and emotions together.
If this person isn't someone you actually spend time with and only admire from afar, then there's no way you're in love with them, and what you're feeling is just a strong lust.
When you are in love, it can be very quiet. You feel secure in your affections knowing that they feel the same way about you. The exception to this is unrequited love where you can feel everything, and they don't feel the same. Unrequited love can be very difficult because your feelings are strong and can even mirror those of someone in love, but because the object of your affection doesn't feel the same, the relationship can never work.
Those who are dealing with unrequited love go through the same stages of grief that a person who has broken up goes through. They will experience the same emotions, thought processes, and feel almost the same feelings as someone who was in a real relationship that ended.
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If you are in love, you will miss them terribly when they are gone. You think about them all the time; you talk about them a lot, it can feel like a broken record. When you're in love, your connection to that person is very strong, and it's mainly related to the dopamine/oxytocin reactions in your brain when they're around. Every time you drift apart, those levels drop, so your brain tries to create ways that make you interact again and bring those levels back up. While it can feel like "missing" someone you care about, actually being in love is much more powerful than that alone – it feels like a constant thought in the back of your mind.
What is it that you love about them
When you're in love, you can come up with a million little things that person does that make you love them. When you're in lust because you don't know it very well, most of these statements are physical or superficial. For example, a lustful person might say that the person they admire has a nice butt, and while a person in love might agree that their partner has a nice butt, they'll also be able to say things like that they love the way their partner takes care of them, or that they love and accept their quirks even if they're annoying at times.
People who are in love spend a lot of quality time together, even if it's video chat because of the long distance. They may tell you the details of their personal life because they are interested in their life, and not just their image or how "fun" that person seems to be.
You're acting like you're in love
According to Dr. Gary Chapman, love has 5 "languages" you can detect when you're in love. People in love spend a lot of quality time together, touch each other a lot, want to do things for their partner just to make them happy, give each other small gifts, and may even give each other many compliments. Some partners can do all of these things, while most tend to have one or two primary love languages. For example, when you are in love, you may show your love by being physically close to your partner, while your partner may show their love by doing things for you like cooking you dinner. When you are in lust, some of these things can be done, but probably not all of them, and not constantly.
It can also be hard to tell the difference between love and infatuation. While you may think about them all the time, people who are infatuated rarely know the person they are obsessing over. Chances are you may have only met them a handful of times, or even if you see them regularly, your relationship may not have progressed beyond casual conversation even if you have become physically intimate. More often than not, if you don't know someone well but think you're in love, chances are you're just in love with theidea of them that you've created in your mind.
How they feel
If you're not very close to them and can't tell what their feelings are, then it's much more likely that you're not in love. Love is a mutual feeling, and if it's only one-way, then it will never work and neither of you will be satisfied or happy, no matter how much you want things to work out.
When you start a relationship, you might feel many physical symptoms like a flutter in your stomach, you might feel energetic or anxious, and you might even feel nauseous. Other than that, you may want to talk to everyone about your new love.
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It can be scary to talk to someone you're not sure about, but if you're in love, doing so should be very natural, especially since they probably feel the same way. Honesty is the best choice in this situation, because without knowing you continue in an awkward limbo. Tell them how you feel and ask about their feelings without putting pressure on them.
So what's the problem?
Love is a complicated thing; maybe you are in love, but your partner is not, or vice versa. If this is the situation, talking to a relationship therapist might help. While you can't force someone to fall in love, they may simply be unsure of their feelings and need help expressing themselves. Maybe you're getting frustrated that they don't seem to act like they're in love, but they still say they love you. Sometimes, two people may just be on different timelines, with one falling in love before the other – that's okay! Love is different for everyone and doesn't exist on a set timeline. Maintaining open communication about your feelings and those of your partner is critical. If you've expressed that you're in love with them and they don't feel the same, but they let you know that they care about you and still want to be with you, don't lose faith. Love can take time.
Sometimes love doesn't come, and even when you love that person with all your heart, they simply don't feel the same. Unrequited love sucks and can leave you feeling empty and discouraged. Therapy can help you talk about these feelings of emptiness and give you better strategies for dealing with your pain as you try to move toward healthier relationships.
Unrequited love can also bring up questions about sexuality. While many cultures accept same-sex relationships, some do not, and this can lead to feelings of confusion and even a loss of identity or depression. Although you may believe that your love is not acceptable, talking about these feelings with a therapist can help you stay on track and accept your sexuality beyond the boundaries of your culture or community.
If you've decided you're in the throes of lust but just can't let go, it might be time to talk to a therapist. Lust can lead to other problems like sex addiction if you feel you can't control your emotions. In cases like this, therapists often try to help you talk about what makes you want to hold on to that person while giving up on everyone else. If you're obsessed with them, it's unhealthy as an addiction because of the way your brain chemicals work. While reading books and blogs and taking quizzes might lead you to the right conclusions without a solid diagnosis, obsession and infatuation can lead to stalking and other legal problems. Seek help as soon as possible if you find yourself in this situation.
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Even if you know you love someone, if these feelings are not mutual, then a relationship can never work. Love is a two-way street and only works when both people share the feelings. If you're struggling with your feelings, talking to someone can help you move on. Sites like Serenis allow you to look at different therapists so that you can find someone who not only has experience with your problem, but who you think can help you best. While love can be a wonderful thing, it can also be one of the most painful if it's not meant to be.
Online therapy has proven to be just as effective overall as in-person therapy. In terms of relationships, studies have found that online therapy is especially helpful because it can reach a wider variety of people, including those who live in rural areas and minorities who might otherwise have great difficulty finding health care and mental health therapy, as well as those with busy or non-traditional schedules. In fact, those who use online therapy for relationship help experience an average 69% increase in relationship satisfaction, compared to just a 36% increase for those who go to therapy in person.
In addition, Serenis tends to be more affordable than in-person therapy options because you don't have to secure transportation to and from sessions, and our therapists don't have to rent office space, which means they don't have to raise rates to accommodate that cost (or, rather, lack thereof!). Sessions can also be held anytime, anywhere – you'll just need an internet connection to get started.