There is one thing that kills seduction instantly and without even saying it, a good 90% of men make this mistake without even realizing it: we are talking about the getting expectations.
What I mean by expectation? I mean acting or behaving expecting and expecting her to reciprocate in some way. In other words, expect reciprocation.
Let me explain better.
You met the girl, everything went well, she seems attracted so you exchange numbers and decide to write to her the next day.
So you start texting and go out on a date, you try to kiss her but it doesn't go but you decide to see each other again in the week.
Everything seems perfect, but she at some point begins to camp excuse after excuse. You may have already projected yourself with your head into dating but suddenly she decides to back off.
The thing is that you created expectations for yourself, and when she interrupted everything it started to make you feel bad. You acted expecting a return, so you projected anxieties and hopes and invested energy and emotions but she doesn't reciprocate, and you feel like you've slammed a pole in her face.
What happened in practice? On an emotional level, you have invested too much in something, which in the end did not give you what you hoped for. Since you have no control over his reactions to you, the only thing you can work on is yourself, or rather your level of expectation, conscious or unconscious, that you have about your relationship.
In this regard you should never create expectations, you can't do that until she tells you clearly that she wants to be with you.
Under no circumstances. Never.
Not even if you kiss for an entire evening.
Not even if you're dating.
Not even if you slept together.
I know it hurts, I know it is very difficult, I know I have been there.
I know that each one of us has many insecurities and fragility regarding the world of love; every human being has a deep desire to feel loved.
I also know that in the intimacy there are us in all our fragility. But you have to accept it, that's life! And once you accept that for real, every failure will be less painful, and you will have much more confidence and freedom to move in your love life.
This also applies when you take some important step, like kissing a girl. She hasn't kissed you? Patience, life goes on anyway.
I have even heard of stories of women who sleep with men and then change their mind, either because they were not interested in anything other than a night of passion, or because they regretted their choice afterwards. This should teach you that it's best to always revise your expectations.
Expectations are a kind of over-investment
Creating expectations is a emotional over-investment.
Imagine you know a woman, she seems interested in you and you like her. So what do you do? You smile at her, you fill her with jokes, you court her. You constantly text her saying to yourself "she's interested so she should reciprocate".
But instead… she at some point disappears, leaving you with a fistful of them.
What happened? She was interested. Because she's gone?
There is a universal law that you should start printing in your head.
Never emotionally invest more than your actual relationship allows you to do.
When you set expectations for yourself, you create a kind of distortion: you believe that the relationship you have with her is more than it really is.
Maybe you have a relationship of simple acquaintance, but you already treat her as if she were in love with you. Maybe you are just dating, but you treat her as if she were your girlfriend.
And then what happens? You invest too much in her. Maybe she's a girl you had a pleasant conversation with and that's it while you think there's something special between you.
To give you an example the guy who sends so many messages to a girl who replies once yes and twice no. Or a guy who gives too much attention to a woman who does not reciprocate.
There is a REAL relationship and an IMAGINED relationship. The imagined relationship (i.e. the one you imagine) is often always distorted, overrated while the real one is the one that actually exists between you and her.
Creating expectations means deform your relationship, Perceiving it as something deeper when maybe it's not that deep, and this creates an imbalance.
To a large extent it is normal to distort things, we are all human beings and sometimes we want to see more than what is there, but we must be aware that if we want to move freely and safely in the world of love we have to review some of our behaviors that are sometimes manifested in a subtle and unconscious way.
Next time be very careful. There is a huge amount of work to do here, it will probably cost you a lot in terms of time and sacrifice.
You will probably get mad at a woman and take it out on her by kicking the first thing that comes your way wondering why she disappeared even though everything seemed perfect. It always hurts to be "discarded" but once you get this knowledge everything will be much easier, and you'll be better off than before.
Messages and expectations
I thought of this article while I was writing my Ebook on texting.
You have to know that messages are a world of their own, and they can also be dangerous because they give you the impression that they are not your own the illusion of having a person in front of you when you don't really have one.
And it is normal that there is this illusion, at the bottom is The assumption that texting/chat creates.
The problem is that it is not a real thing. It is not true that you are looking at a person. That's why you go crazy when you write to her, she visualizes and doesn't answer, so you start thinking that she's making fun of you or that she's giving you one of those "non-existent tests" when maybe you've just caught her driving or going shopping.
That's exactly why you need to start realizing that text messages, since they are ambiguous (i.e. you never know how to interpret them with certainty) create insecurity e uncertainty. And when there is uncertainty all the fears and anxieties are projected onto the messages, especially if you have a lot of time to spare too many expectations.
I repeat: messages create uncertainty and this makes you project all your anxieties and fears in the message phase, especially if you have too many expectations.
You do not have a mindset of abundance? In the message phase this will transpire.
You are afraid of losing her? In the message phase this will shine through.
You don't feel comfortable and obsessively look for the perfect phrase? In the message phase this will transpire.
So start to let go of your expectations, it will take some time, but I assure you that it is worth it.
Niko