As we get older, however, we find that finding love can be much more difficult than we initially anticipated, and navigating relationships can be even more difficult. Going through multiple people in search of someone to be with for a significant period of time can leave us wondering, "When am I going to fall in love?
For some, the problem is not finding people they can connect with and possibly fall in love with, but they may have a problem falling in love in the first place and may feel that they are simply incapable of fostering an intimate and meaningful connection with someone else. This can leave people wondering instead, "Why can't I fall in love?".
Fortunately, there can be many reasons that are contributing to your inability to love someone back and identifying a problem is the first step to solving it. If you feel like you're unable to love another person, we're going to review some of the potential reasons why this might be happening to you and what you can do about it.
7 reasons why you (or your partner) are unable to let love in
For those of you who are constantly dodging love but are unable to understand why some of the most common reasons include:
-
Childhood trauma is bleeding into adult relationship fears
How we experience love and other important things in our childhood sets the tone for how we receive love later in our lives. Any kind of trauma, no matter how big or small, can make it much harder for us to accept love from even the most loving of partners, and we're not always aware that these kinds of issues are occurring in us as we begin to engage with others on an emotional and intimate level.
Some common childhood traumas that often affect an individual's ability to love include being abandoned by one or more parents at any age, witnessing domestic violence (which can also lead to unhealthy relationships down the road), being the target of abuse by one or more parents, being neglected by a parent or not feeling that strong sense of attachment that you should at a young age (which can lead to attachment issues in relationships later in life), or having a parent who engaged in negative relationship habits and specific behaviors that made an impression.
By successfully identifying these traumas and working through them, people will be able to begin to learn how to maintain healthy relationships and accept affection from others without feeling guarded or worried about what the outcome might be.
-
A partner doesn't want to feel obligated to reciprocate affection
Source: unsplash.com
We often think the reasons for lack of love are rooted in fear, but some of it may simply be rooted in not necessarily wanting to be trapped by the expectations that come with love. Some people may not want to love someone because they don't want to feel obligated to return the same level of affection that their partner is giving them. Whether it's in the form of gifts, events, or other forms of giving, some partners may not always have the ability to reciprocate these signs of affection.
If they have had someone in the past who has made it clear that they are unable to reciprocate certain behaviors and have become very angry about it, the person who is unable to love may feel that they will encounter this again and will withhold their love in order to prevent this from happening again in another relationship. This may not be a common problem to encounter, but it is the case for some people who find it difficult to love others back.
-
One partner is worried about losing themselves in the relationship
Before we enter a relationship, we are completely and utterly ourselves. We decide how we live our lives, we do what we want when we want and we are free. When we get into a serious relationship, on the other hand, we begin to form an identity with another person and while there is still our identity in the mix that is kept on the side, there is a little less freedom than the initial one and not everyone is able to handle this without getting absorbed in the relationship.
Some people will have this Overwhelming fear Of not being able to live their own life or be themselves within a relationship with another person. Whether or not this is justified by the current strength and health of the relationship, this fear can lead a person to hold their partner at arm's length to avoid falling too far and potentially losing who they are in the process. It is important to know whether or not this is truly a justifiable fear before taking any action.
For example, if your partner gives you a lot of space but you are worried about being smothered, this may be a problem on your part. However, if your partner is overly attached or controlling, this fear may be justified and you may need additional help to address the issue.
-
Fear of being taken advantage of by someone else
Trust is the foundation of every loving relationship. You must be able to trust that your partner will not try to hurt you or do anything to sabotage the relationship, and trust goes both ways. Trust, however, can be difficult to earn and accept, as you or your partner may have had a major relationship in the past where they gave their full trust to someone else, only to have their heart broken in the process. (This lack of confidence can also come from relationships early in their lives that didn't provide stability.).
Source: unsplash.com
To cope with these issues and to prevent them from recurring, people close themselves off and keep their guard up against any potential intruders, so they don't get exploited and hurt. While this will keep you protected, it also prevents you from experiencing the joys of love that life has to offer and can hinder many great relationships. Fear of pain is normal, but it must be overcome in order to lead a healthy and happy life.
-
You or your partner do not feel the need to commit to long-term relationships
As a society, we have certain expectations for ourselves and others. Among these expectations is that we all need to meet someone, fall in love, and settle down. Because of this, we may feel like we are doing something wrong or feel guilty when we don't meet these expectations or simply don't have the desire to do so. This can make us ask ourselves, "Why can't I feel the love"?" rather than: "I want to love right now?"
The truth is, this is your life and certain societal expectations aren't meant to be met if they don't align with your desires. The inability to love someone else may not stem from trauma or a desire to avoid it, but may instead come from a lack of desire to fall in love with someone else. If love is not in your cards and you are simply trying to connect with others and have short-term relationships, there is nothing wrong with that and you should make these needs known to both yourself and the people you connect with.
-
The pressure or expectations of a relationship are too high
It can be difficult to fall in love with someone else if you worry about the mechanics of a relationship and the effort it takes rather than focusing on the raw connection that happens between you and someone else. For some people, dating and other traditional courtship tactics can be too much pressure and they may avoid love altogether so they don't have to go through these dates and encounters each time.
If dating simply isn't for you and you can't get around the excessive pressure, you can find solutions like making dating more casual or trying to make friends before moving into a relationship with someone. This can help take some of the pressure off so that you don't miss opportunities to connect intimately with other people
-
Low self-esteem and low self-worth blocking the positive aspects of a relationship
You may have heard the phrase "you have to love yourself before you can love others" and in some cases, this is true. When you are in a relationship with someone and have a low self-esteem, this can make you constantly doubt the positive things they say about you or make it hard to believe they are capable of loving you. This can also make it difficult for them to want to stay in the relationship, as you do not accept the love and affection they are showing towards you and reject their praise.
Source : unsplash.com
At the other end of the spectrum, we have individuals who have low self-esteem, but rely on their partner to provide them with happiness and reassure them of their worth, becoming dependent and attached to their partner as the relationship develops over time. Regardless of the traits you or your partner display and the course that establishes the relationship, this issue needs help to prevent it from becoming a problem in future relationships and daily life.
Conclusion
Men who can't love and women who can't love share similar traits when it comes to reasoning about the inability to love someone else. Hopefully these 7 reasons listed above will give you a better understanding of why you are unable to love someone or why your current partner seems incapable of loving you.
While this information may be helpful to know, you may be asking yourself: how do I solve some of the problems that are holding me back from loving someone else?
If you're looking for help breaking down the barricades in your relationships, a great resource to turn to is Serenis. Serenis Is an online psychotherapy platform that eliminates the complications of traditional therapy while providing you with certified therapists who can provide the help you need. If you think this would be helpful for your current situation, simply click on the link above to get started today.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Why it's hard for me to fall in love?
If you are someone who has trouble falling in love, it can be for any number of reasons. Some people have trouble falling in love because they have been hurt in past relationships. Others have trouble falling in love because of their upbringing and negative childhood experiences.
A person may be incapable of loving?
While a person may suppress feelings of love, it is not commonly believed that people are incapable of love. Whether or not a person realizes it, their biology will activate love hormones that indicate they have fallen in love (even without their awareness).
How to tell when you are unable to love someone?
If you have trouble expressing feelings of love or falling in love, there is probably something in your past (or present) that interrupts the full experience of love. In other cases, people have fallen in love without realizing it. This happens when people have not been loved in their lives. People who have never been loved before may not recognize when they are falling (or have fallen) in love.
Why being in love is so painful?
When someone falls in love, it can be confusing and overwhelming. These feelings of confusion can feel like pain when they become overwhelming. If you're someone who falls deeply in love only to feel pain, talk to a relationship expert to learn healthier ways to love.
How do I know if I am in love?
Many people have fallen in love and were unaware of what was happening to them. Some people who fall in love experience a strong sense of longing and attachment to the object of their affection. Others may experience physical symptoms such as butterflies or a sense of loss when their loved one is not present.
Why falling in love is so scary?
Almost everyone who falls in love describes it as an exhilarating or frightening experience. Opening up physically, mentally and emotionally to someone can feel overwhelming and exciting at the same time. If you've been hurt before, you may also have a touch of anxiety that makes falling in love scary.
It's bad that I don't have a crush?
When you develop an attraction to someone, it should come naturally. It's not bad if you don't always have a crush on a particular person. If you feel like the reason you've never had a crush on someone is for other reasons, talk to a licensed therapy expert to explore further.
You can love someone too much?
In most cases, you can't love someone too much. When you seem to have a problem with loving others more than you love yourself, this is usually a problem with self-esteem rather than a problem with loving someone too much. If this is your concern, a licensed therapy provider can provide therapeutic support and counseling.