Every girl has a story of how she fell in love with "the wrong guy.". Best-case scenario, a couple's personality or life goals don't add up. But it gets worse: we steadily fall for liars, cheaters, traitors, rude people, and those who are already in relationships.
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Why is it that love, which should bring us joy, brings us suffering?? Why do we fall in love with unsuitable people and get together with those who are not our type?? Figuring it out 💔
🔴 Parental example
Mom and Dad's relationship is the first example from which we learn how to build connections with other people. If parents have lived soul to soul, we believe love is real. When mom and dad fight all the time but don't divorce, we read the lesson, "Love is suffering.". If parents do scandalously divorce, we perceive the breakup through pain as the norm, too.
When a girl's father or mother didn't love her, she's left a certain emptiness inside. This space she will try to fill with those who resemble her parents – the character, appearance, actions.
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However, if you have a dysfunctional family or divorced parents, you can find love and build a healthy relationship. Together with a psychologist you can change the destructive mindset into one that will bring you happiness.
Dmitry Sobolev
Family and Personality Psychologist
Parents are important people to any child. Their example is perceived by the child as truth – "this is the only way, and there's no other way.
Your relationship with the opposite sex is the relationship of your parents. This is the relationship model you borrow and try with one guy, then with another… And you believe it's meant to be. You believe it's okay.
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If you believe that you need those men who don't suit you in the end, then we can talk about a deep, habitual pattern at work, which pushes you in every way to look for and find such men. You are sure that he is the right type for you and you will always be looking for him, feeling him.
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If you say, "With my head I know he's not right for me, but I feel like I want to be with him," that's the first sign of a pattern at work. And it's a pattern that pushes you, time after time, to choose the "wrong one.".
🔴 The inability to say no
In our culture, it's the custom that if a girl says "no," really she means yes. Just woo her, go for it with all your might, change the minus to the plus, that's what they teach guys. It is especially "convenient" if a girl refuses shyly and timidly, for fear of hurting her feelings.
So, you go out with someone who "got you.". But do you really like him as a person or are you tired of saying no?
Of course, sometimes these stories have happy endings. It happens the other way: the guy gets a girl, she becomes attached to him, and then he left to seek another, leaving the first with a broken heart.
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On topic: How to refuse correctly: 5 rules that will teach you to say "no"
🔴 Insecurity
Imagine that you are the city and confidence is your walls. The stronger your self-confidence, the tighter your boundaries. When we love and respect ourselves, we love and respect our time, our body, our mental state. If someone comes into our "town" with their own charter, we'll turn them back on the entrance.
But when boundaries are fragile, a man can ram you, barging in without warning and breaking all boundaries. The stronger your borders, the stricter the guards at the entrance, the less likely you are to let the unknown one into your heart.
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On topic: 8 signs that you're more confident than you think you are
🔴 Fear that we won't find a better one
They say that love is like a mixed deck of cards: you never know what card you'll get next. All suits and numbers are mixed up, like partners in life. It's a good one and a bad one at the same time. So you meet a guy and you think maybe you should try again? To get another card? Maybe the number on it will be lower. Maybe you'll find a king? We'd like to get an ace, but there aren't many in the deck..
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Deep down inside we hope that we'll get the most profitable "card", but something inside is whispering: what if we get "six" again?? ♪ And who needs me like this, 'cause I'm barely a seven ♪ ♪ It's much safer not to aim for the stars, but to lower the bar ♪.
🔴 Hope that the person will get better
Hope is the last to die, that's the upside and downside of it. It is great to believe and support the person in times of need. But sometimes we have to be disappointed in a person's behavior and stop communicating after the first unacceptable behavior.
But we believe and we believe and we hope and we wait for the person to come to his/her senses. The truth is, you never know. ♫ If that's the way he lives, that's the way he's comfortable ♫. It is useless to waste time correcting and nurturing an adult.
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On the subject: 6 types of messages that tell you that a guy doesn't have sincere feelings for you
🔴 Fear of being alone
Humans are social animals. It's absolutely normal to want love, to want to be loved, to dream of a relationship. But love has to be shared when it overwhelms you. Without this, you get not love, but a desire to possess a man as a thing, just to have him around.
It's corny, but it's better to be alone than with someone who's not right for you. Sometimes it's scary, but it's worth it. Clinging to any man in a panic of being alone, sooner or later you'll realize you're unhappy in a relationship. First of all we have to build a connection with the main person of our life – ourselves 💖
Psychologist's Commentary
Maria Erile
Psychologist, psychotherapist, head of Psychology of communication at business speech company.
At the beginning of a relationship we have a lot of energy, which is given by the feeling of being in love. So there is a sense that we can move mountains, and we really can: we can be more tolerant and accepting, respond with humor to hurtful things and smooth things over.
But after a while we inevitably go back to our usual state. That's where the conflicts come in. The person we choose understands: what we used to laugh at is now unsatisfying and annoying. That's why, of course, he gets annoyed. How so? Everything was fine and then all of a sudden it wasn't?
There's a moment of adjustment. If a guy really does not suit a girl, here they will separate – after the first wave of motivation and confidence that all will be well.
The second important factor: if a girl honestly admit to herself, it turns out that at the beginning she did see flaws, but amused herself with the hope that she can fix them. She didn't realize that all of these character traits are part of a man's identity, and he will resist change.