Simply put, compassion is a concern for the well-being of others. Compassion does not necessarily require focused love to exist, but is often thought of as a form of love in and of itself: a love for humankind as a whole. Compassion is argued to be the foundation of kindness and altruism, as compassion focuses attention outward rather than inward, and is an example of both empathy (putting yourself in someone else's shoes) and sympathy (feeling sad, sorry, or distressed on someone's behalf without necessarily putting yourself in their situation).
Compassion is the basis of many religious ideas about love and is often cited as a requirement of true humanitarianism. After all, how can you develop a desire to help people to a whole world without feeling a certain amount of compassion toward them and wanting to help in their situation? Compassion is typically thought of as the root of non-profit organizations, social and psychological work, and other entities designed to help others.
What is compassionate love?
Compassionate love is a love that combines the principles of compassion (empathy, kindness, consideration) and the principles of love (devotion, admiration, and care). Evident in both romantic and platonic love, compassionate love is not only found in one corner of love interactions, but can be used in all types of relationships and in all durations of relationships. You can experience compassionate love for your neighbor just as much as you can experience compassionate love for your long-term partner. Compassionate love is not selfish in its goals and works to create an equitable balance of care, attention and respect, rather than trying to gain something through the relationship.
Compassionate love can be experienced in numerous ways. Compassionate love can be romantic, platonic, or a general, vague feeling directed at all of humanity. There is no unique and distinct way to experience compassionate love.
Compassion: Love in Action
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One could argue that all love is compassionate love. In fact, some might argue that love is not loving at all if it is not coupled with compassion. On the other hand, affection and attachment without compassion are much more akin to infatuation or obsession than love. While it is not quite true that love cannot be experienced without also experiencing compassion, love is best and most effectively put into practice When compassion is present.
Feeling love means many things. Love can be felt for inanimate objects, such as your favorite sweater or favorite book you read all the time. This love is not reciprocated, however, and is not put into action; one cannot show love for a favorite sweater, other than wearing it several times. Even wearing it, however, you are demonstrating your preference for that object, much more than expressing a compassionate love for it.
The most clearly defined academic example of compassionate love is that of service or volunteerism. Volunteering is considered a visible example of compassionate love, as it deliberately sets yourself aside to help others – most often, strangers or others with whom you have no direct or lasting ties. This reinforces the notion that compassionate love can exist without a definitive relationship between two people, but that there is a certain amount of consistency in compassionate love. People who love compassionately (whether it's for their loved ones, their community, or all of humankind) do so all the time and maintain a relationship with others through their service. Using volunteering as an example, a volunteer is maintaining a relationship with the object of his or her compassionate love (humanity, community, etc.) in a way that is not the same as expressing compassion.) by volunteering on a regular basis, just as a romantic partner might carve out time to take his or her loved one on a date.
Can love exist without compassion?
Love cannot be effectively enacted and consistently expressed without compassion. Expressing or showing love without compassion risks being selfish or miscommunicated. If you express your love for your partner because of their ability to calm you down, you are not actually complimenting their character. Instead, you are appreciating him for what he is able to give you. If you show your love for your partner without compassion, you may find yourself giving a gift that benefits both of you, such as tickets to your favorite (shared) show. Showing love with compassion removes you completely from the equation and instead focuses on your partner, friend, or loved one.
Love without compassion is likely to fade at the first sign of trouble or the first demonstration of flaws. Compassionate love can recognize that everyone has flaws and won't be quick to write someone off after an argument, misunderstanding, or intentional snub. Compassionate love realizes that everyone has the capacity to lose control of their emotional state at times, that everyone is sensitive to criticism, and that everyone is equally deserving of kindness and love.
Compassionate love should not be mistaken for blind acceptance, however, as a less mature love might think. Devoted love without compassion may fall into the trap of mistaking love for consent and may give ample room for error in relationships that are unhealthy or outright abusive in the (false) name of compassion. Compassionate love sees human beings as vast, imperfect, and even wrong at times and is not afraid to offer a corrective word or action even when it means losing the person you love for a while or losing them altogether. Compassionate love speaks the truth in its love rather than simply affirming or adoring.
Love without compassion is likely a nascent love, both in terms of duration (it's a new relationship) and in terms of depth (even in a long-term setting, it rarely dips below the surface). Compassion can be felt for strangers, but compassionate love typically requires some consistency of emotion. Even the aforementioned neighbor would experience somewhat consistent communication and a relationship of some sort. Compassionate love does not have to engage in a soul-sharing conversation with every interaction, nor does it require a broad show of support.
Compassion in long-term relationships
Some studies have shown that compassion begins to decline as relationships age, while others show that compassion is actually one of the key mechanisms at play in healthy, happy, and lasting connections. Most studies seem to agree on one thing: any relationship without compassion is likely to fail. Whether your attachment is romantic, platonic, or a mixture of the two, compassion seems to be the gas that keeps the metaphorical machine running when new love or the novelty of a fun friendship is dropped.
One study also found that romantic partners who reported compassionate love for their partner were also more likely to report contentment and peace in their lives. Religion also seems to play a role in the study, as people who stated some form of religion were more likely to consider themselves partners in a compassionate love relationship rather than a standard love relationship. These couples were also more likely to report experiencing other forms of love, including Eros (erotic love) and Agape love (love for humanity).
Love and Compassion
Some say you can't have one without the other. Some say the two are mutually exclusive, but both are better with each other. Whichever side of the fence you're on, one thing is clear: compassion is a beautiful thing and has been the source of many incredible acts of service to others. Love is also a beautiful thing and has often been the source of incredible connections, acts of service and kindness.
Creating compassionate love in your life
We may not have learned compassionate love from our families of origin or see it expressed regularly in our culture, but that doesn't mean we don't have the capacity to learn it. As discussed above, small acts of kindness and volunteering without expecting a return on our investment are ways to show compassionate love on a consistent basis. Exploring the love we have in our lives with a therapist is another way to more intimately understand the role of compassionate love. Face-to-face or online therapy can help you tap into and be open to compassionate love.
How can a therapist help me?
When looking for a therapist, keep in mind what you want to work on. Find a therapist who has experience in compassionate love, romantic love, and family and intimate relationships. What you might also find helpful is having a therapist you can meet online. This way, you can choose when and where to meet with your therapist rather than having to travel a long distance or in traffic after a day at work.