Breaking up with anyone is hard, regardless of the reason for the breakup. Especially if during the relationship you felt a deep connection with someone 💞 In that case, even long after the breakup, you may wonder if you did the right thing by going in different directions. Still, you've been through so much together, it was love, it was sad, but it was also good! It's complicated 😫
If you realize that your ex wants to reconcile and restore your relationship, make sure that your agreement to do so is based not only on emotions and memories, but also on reasonable arguments "for" ☝ The decision to reunite should be made particularly carefully if your love history has been unhealthy, destructive to you.
In any case, you have to think it over. In this article, we'll discuss the possible reasons for "getting back" your ex and the important points to consider in any attempts to restore your relationship 🤗 It's up to you, of course, but you have to be careful. There is a magic expression, "You won't step into the same river twice" 🧐 There's a reason why an ex-boyfriend may want to be a part of your life again
Why my ex wants to come back?
Couples get back together for many reasons. If you understand that the ex-boyfriend really wants to make up and even restore the relationship, you do not have to immediately make a decision. Here are a few reasons, positive and not so positive, why an ex-boyfriend might want to be a part of your life again:
Intimacy
To communicate with a person, to build a relationship with him is quite easy, if you properly know each other. Time does matter, after all, and studies by scientists say that many couples stay together not out of great love, but because it's comfortable, familiar and understandable to them.
"When there is no clear boundary about the end of the relationship in a couple a lot of energy goes into this area and there is no opportunity to separate from this experience, much less enter into a new relationship," explains psychologist Ksenia Yurieva. It's likely that your ex just isn't ready to let go of you and your connection. Here we need to be careful, because the incomplete relationship can lead to anxiety, psychological trauma and apathy. Otherwise – positive – the boyfriend may just miss the person who understood him so well.
Love
♪ Yes, you may have split up, but it's hard to deal with feelings ♪. Yes, and it is likely that you may also feel sympathy for the ex, especially if you broke up without a hard scandal and other unpleasant moments.
"Over time, all the bad things seem to be erased from memory, and only bright moments full of love and happiness remain. It's precisely during this period that thoughts may arise that the breakup was a mistake," explains transformational coach Lia Khabadze. It turns out that the guy may sincerely want to return the feelings that were between you. "The trick is that if you immediately start the relationship over again, the circle is likely to repeat itself and the relationship will fail again.".
Hope
It is unlikely that in his desire to return the guy thinks about the fact that your sad story of breaking up will be repeated. It's true, a reunion can be a happy beginning to a new chapter in your relationship. Yes, and you, in turn, may think that the guy has changed, you yourself have changed, you have lived and worked through the hard moments, now everything will be different.
In this case, even with all your sentimentality, you can't let your feelings cloud your judgment. To do this you need to be clear about whether you need a second try with this particular man. Is it worth it??
Do I want to get back with my ex-boyfriend??
Repairing a relationship is a huge undertaking that takes a lot of effort and time. There were quarrels and misunderstandings between you, so the old model of relationship will not work. Accepting your ex with open arms and a clean heart is obviously a bad idea, and you should think things over before you talk about it.
✨ Analyze the pros and cons to help us advice from psychologist and business coach Tatyana Izumrudova.
Tatiana Izumrudova
Psychologist, member of the Association for Psychoanalytic Coaching and Business Consulting
If you're not ready to work through this situation with a psychologist, I recommend that you try to do it yourself before you rush headlong into the past. So we take a sheet of paper and divide it into three parts. One big, two – narrow, there we will then grade.
Below you will find important questions to answer. Be honest with yourself. You have to analyze not only your ex, but also yourself.
What was the reason for your breakup?
The options are many: treason, jealousy / nagging, constant scandals, indifference, ignoring calls. The list could go on almost to infinity. If you go into a lot of detail, the highlights of the breakup will go into a lot of detail. Don't be stingy with the details, it's important for a detailed analysis.
How you feel after a breakup?
What's positive and negative about it? How would you describe a new chapter in your life?? You feel happy, or you miss something?
How do your ideal relationship look like and what did you miss in the past??
You can continue the list on your own. Rank the level of importance of your answers in the second column, and in the third – whether your ex can fix/remove/add to make you feel good, and whether coming back at all makes sense.
How to behave in a conversation with your ex?
If you realize that you could give your ex-boyfriend a chance, it's time to talk. Sincerely, in detail, without concealment. If the breakup happened because of his faults, don't show the guy that you're happy about his initiative. This will lower the level of importance of the situation in his eyes, and maybe if the fight happens again, he'll think you're ready to wait for him again. The prospect is not very good, agree.
✨ How to structure a conversation so that you don't miss important points and finally clarify the situation? Advice from family and personal psychologist Dmitry Sobolev can help you with this:
Dmitry Sobolev
Family and Personal Psychologist
It's important to realize that if you behave with your boyfriend as you did before the fight (showing his usual pattern of behavior), his behavior won't change either. Repeat the "fight – break up – make up" scenario endlessly. It's Groundhog Day.
If the fight and the break up are because of a guy, he has to explain his behavior, and you, from a position of strength, analyze his arguments and arguments. Listen quietly to the guy's explanations and suggestions. Try to weigh it carefully. How weighty are these arguments?
If you have decided to resume the relationship, you should work on your mistakes as much as possible, and afterwards you and your boyfriend should create some kind of instruction for the future. It may not be unreasonable to negotiate a probationary period if the reasons for quarrels and breakups need to be tested by time. Be sure to stress that after the probationary period, your agreements won't go anywhere.
Promises and initiatives from the guy aren't change yet. Change is put into practice in the relationship. And only then will you and he get a new relationship model.
How to know if a guy has changed? Pay attention to his initiatives and arguments. How did he work on his mistakes, what did he offer? Does he take responsibility? An important indicator – if the guy has a clear plan to get out of the crisis. Have a plan? Then you'll understand that the man needs change, needs your relationship, needs you. No plan? Then you will not get out of the crisis, or overcoming it will become entirely your task.