Love
Updated October 24, 2021
Sometimes we feel like society is giving us the message that it's abnormal to want love; however, the need for connection with others and love is paramount. In fact, it has been proven time and time again that being deprived of love in childhood leads to psychological problems, some of which are difficult to overcome.
If you want love but can't find it, don't give up hope yet. It is one of the best kept secrets to overall happiness and an essential part of a fulfilling life. The following five tips will point you in the right direction.
Accept that you want and need love
American culture will tell you that if you think you need love, then you need to love yourself first. This idea carries some weight, but every human being needs love from an outside source. It's part of our nature. Because we are creatures who care deeply for each other and are meant to nurture offspring as our most basic instinct, it is no surprise that we feel the need to be loved, as well as to want to love others.
American culture will also try to say that wanting love is a weakness. Desiring love is not a weakness, but a strength. If one can identify what they are missing in their life, they can begin to grow. There is one question you need to ask yourself as you embark on your search for the love you desire: Are you desiring love or are you desiring something else?
If you're sure that what you're craving isn't just sexual desire or a need for companionship, you may be craving and needing love. Some people find it difficult to accept that they desire love because of the myth that needing others or desiring love equals weakness.
Others may go further and believe they do not deserve to be loved. Why? Perhaps they feel that something they have done, or even something they have not done, is reason enough for them not to be loved; therefore, they cannot accept that they need love, even if they want it.
Needing and desiring love is normal, and everyone possesses traits, qualities, and inherent value that make them worthy of love. Sometimes it helps to affirm these points to yourself. Try saying some of the following phrases to yourself every day:
"I am a person worthy of love, because I am alive. I need love and I accept the fact that it is so. Needing love, they are not weak. I am strong because I know I need love and I know I am a person who can be loved".
By reminding yourself of this often, even if you don't believe it now, you will soon come to believe your words and be able to continue on the path to finding the love you desire. Here's a list of self-love affirmations to get you started.
Try to find the root of the problem
You feel unlovable, or believe that love is a weakness? There is something else?
Once you accept that your desire for love and connection is normal, looking at the root of the problem can be helpful in moving forward. Your beliefs about yourself, love in general, and others can affect your behavior and approach to situations, and may need to be addressed.
Painful experiences like the loss of a loved one, childhood trauma, and more can shape the thoughts and ideas you have about yourself, love, and others. Working to find out what your core beliefs about love and yourself are can help you make important changes that start to bring you the things you want for yourself, including love.
You can talk about these issues with a trusted friend or family member, or you can talk to a licensed therapist, who will keep things private and have a specialized insight to share.
Try not to depend on Tinder, Bumble, etc.
Many people who want love try apps like Tinder or Hinge. While it's true that people have found love on Tinder, most people use it as a superficial confidence booster. Although Tinder can be used as a (generally unhealthy) way to boost self-esteem, it can also be detrimental to a person's self-esteem if they don't find "matches".
Most people on Tinder are not on the site for healthy relationships, but instead to hook up, which can lead to a drop in your self-esteem if the individual does not request a second date, perhaps because they were not looking for one in the first place.
Being dependent on matchmaking websites can hurt you emotionally, potentially leading you into relationships that aren't made to last. If you fall into a pattern of going on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge dates, not only can it further damage your self-esteem, but it can also make you feel more hopeless about finding love.
Instead of depending on apps and websites to make you feel wanted and loved (since studies show that excessive screen time hurts the brain and can contribute to feelings of hopelessness, as well as create additional problems in feeling loved), try connecting with real people. Try participating in activities in your community, attending events, joining clubs and other organizations, or visiting libraries, coffee shops, and similar low-risk places to meet people.
If you've already started using dating apps, be aware of their potential to be used by others in unhealthy ways and keep them in perspective: they're not the only way to meet people!
Know what you want in a healthy relationship
While you're looking for love, make sure you have a solid idea in your head of what healthy relationships look like, as well as what you want and need in a relationship. Make a list of the things you would like from a relationship and your ideas about how a relationship should work. Talk to friends and family, and even do some research on healthy relationships. This is another area where a licensed therapist can be very helpful!
Try to work on yourself
Finally, try working on yourself. Maybe you don't like the traits of yourself, or there are things you'd like to learn how to do. In your quest for love, try working on yourself by doing the adventurous things you've always wanted to do, and growing your patience and kindness.
Not only will you feel more satisfied as a person, but you'll be a better partner when love comes along. By building yourself up to be a person you like, the path to finding a healthy, loving relationship becomes even more meaningful.
Preparing for love with Serenis
Research shows that online therapy can be beneficial for those dealing with difficult emotions from love and relationship issues. In a comprehensive study published in Behavior Therapy – a Peer-reviewed academic journal – researchers found that online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) was effective in reducing feelings of loneliness in participants. In addition to the decrease in loneliness, the study notes that participants experienced an overall increase in quality of life, and a reduction in other symptoms that are often associated with depression and social anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy works by helping individuals understand and regulate the thoughts and behaviors that underlie certain difficult-to-manage situations, such as an unfulfilled love life.
As mentioned above, online therapy can help you manage complex emotions stemming from your search for love. If you don't feel comfortable discussing these issues in person, online therapy may be a more private option, allowing you to participate in psychotherapy from the comfort of your own home. With Serenis, you can connect with a licensed therapist from the comfort of your couch, or virtually anywhere you have an internet connection. Online mental health professionals can help you build your confidence and work on your emotions so that you're ready for a loving relationship when the time comes.
Conclusion
If you're stuck on your path to love and connection, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist. Remember that help is out there for you if you need it. Take the first step today.